Your best friend understands
by theuncaffeinatedbitch
Summary: Dan thinks Phil will never understand his depressed feelings, but what if he does understand?


**Dan's POV**

Another shit day at school. Yet again they took my lunch, called me names and embarrassed me in front of the entire school. The teachers, as usual, didn't do anything to stop it. They looked away from everything that happened and pretended nothing was going on. They heard the laughter from the students that were standing around me. They heard the name calling and I was sure they heard them pushing me around. I begged them to stop, but of course they didn't listen to me. Nobody ever listened to me.

I stumbled into my room. I dropped my backpack on the floor and walked over to the only bookshelf I had in my room. I took the Spanish dictionary of the self and opened it at the letter 'S'. I looked at the small blade that appeared between the pages. I stared at it and I was kind of happy to see it. It helped me getting through the days. I knew what I did was wrong, but to me it felt so good. You could say it made me feel relieved. The blade made me feel alive again, something that the people in my life couldn't make me feel.

I took the blade out and sank down on the floor. I listened carefully if I could hear my flatmate Phil anywhere near. I heard him stumbling around in the kitchen, probably preparing dinner for the two of us. That meant that he wouldn't be on this floor for at least another 20 minutes. That was more than enough time for me. I opened my right hand. I looked at the palm and saw the many lines I had. I took the blade firmly in my left hand and with the sharp pointy corner I followed a line on the palm of my right hand. Immediately red drops of blood appeared. The feeling of pain combined with relief shivered through my body. It made me feel good. I moved the blade along my palm a few times, until my blood run along my wrist down my arm. I dropped the blade on the floor next to my feet and closed my eyes. I covered my right hand with my left hand and held it close to my chest. I enjoyed the stinging pain and let out a shivering breath.

'Dan?'

Phil's voice made me sat up straight. I yelled back at him so he would know I heard him.

'Dinner is ready in 5 minutes!'

'I'm coming'

I quickly got up and dragged myself into the bathroom. I carefully washed the blade and disinfected it. Then I washed my hands. I watched the blood flush away in the sink. I looked at my hand and saw the freshly new cuts. Although I knew they were there, for other people they were barely visible. Because i followed the already existing lines on my palm of my hand - the ones that everybody had - the scars that the blade left weren't as visible as when you made a cut on your wrist or arm. I didn't want Phil or anyone to find out. I tried to keep it a secret. My little, yet very big, secret.

'Took you long enough' Phil laughed when I walked into the kitchen.

'When I stood up I got a massive nosebleed. Needed to take care of that, sorry'

I stared at my plate, not wanting to look him in the eye. I was disgust with myself and sick of all the lies I told him every day. I had to come up with an excuse why I locked myself in my room for two hours after I came back from university. He had always wondered why I didn't sit with him. I couldn't tell him the truth, so every time I told him another excuse. I had to do my homework, I had to study for a test or I was just tired and needed a sleep. Every single time he believed me, but I knew it wouldn't take long before he figured it all out. Phil wasn't stupid. In fact he was really smart and that was what worried me the most. Sooner or later he was going to find out about my secret and I really didn't want to know what he would do then.

**Phil's POV**

Dan left for college early in the morning. He looked terribly tired and dark circles surrounded his eyes. I didn't tell him, because he would probably already know he looked like shit. I just didn't want to shove it in his face by repeating it. He wasn't his usual self since he started university. I didn't know if it had anything to do with the university itself, the classes he followed or the other students, but something was definitely wrong with him and I was eager to find out what it was that made him feel this way. Even though he thought he could hide it from me he pretty well knew I wasn't stupid. I think that was the reason he was distancing himself from me.

I slowly pushed the door to his bedroom open and kind of felt like I was breaking in, even though his bedroom was in the apartment we shared. Thinking that he wouldn't mind me wondering around in his room if he had nothing to hide I stepped in and looked around. I didn't know where I was going to start or even what I was looking for. I just needed evidence that told me Dan was alright and just a bit tired because of the start of university. I started with the drawers of his nightstand. I only found tissues, ear plugs and a headphone. That was it. Nothing that pointed out why he was acting the way he did. I closed the drawer and turned around. Where else could he hide something? I opened a few drawers from his desk, but didn't find anything beside notebooks, a few pens and some sketching he made when he probably had to do his homework. I smirked, that was typical Dan. Always procrastinating.

My eyes glanced over the stuff he had in his room. All I saw was his bed, his bookshelf with a few books on them and his wardrobe. I started to get irritated. I knew he was hiding something from me, but I couldn't find what it was. Why didn't he had a diary or something? Why didn't he just wrote down his feelings and hiding it in the most obvious place for me to find. I opened his wardrobe and out of frustration I started to throw his clothes on the floor until the closet was entirely empty. I still didn't find anything. Right now I started to feel desperate and I flicked his mattress over. There it was. A black notebook laying in the middle of the bed frame. I picked it up and sat at the edge of his bed. Did I want to read it? I was about to insult his privacy. His thought he liked to keep to himself.

But if I wanted to help him I needed to read what he was thinking and what he was not telling me. I took a deep breath and opened the diary on the first page. June 17, 2006. Wow, he already had this diary for such a long time. I skipped a few pages until I reached the year we were in now. I noticed he wrote something yesterday and I started to read.

I know he will find out soon. I can't have him find out about my secret. I try to hide it from him the best I can, but he isn't stupid. He sees right through me. Every time he asks me if I'm okay I just want to burst out in tears and tell him the truth. But I can't. I just can't. All I want to do is lock myself in my room and just wish he never finds out.

I knew something was wrong. Although he didn't describe what exactly was wrong with him - he was probably scared I would ever find it - I knew it was pretty bad. He had never hide anything from me before. He knew I was always here for him to talk to. I stared at the page, trying to figure out what I could do to make him talk to me, when I noticed a stain at the bottom of the page. It had a dark colour and I immediately recognised it. It was blood. Did he cut himself on the paper while writing this or was he bleeding because of other reasons? Even though I didn't want to I immediately knew it had to be number two. I dropped Dan's diary on the floor and started to pace around his room. I knew I had to look for a knife or a blade or something sharp. Where would you hide something like that? Not in a place to obvious, but still somewhere he could easily get access to it.

All there was left was his bookshelf. I walked over and looked at the few books he had. Some of them were from the university and I knew he wouldn't hide anything in them, because he had to take them with him sometimes. All there was left were a few reading books - mostly crimes - and a Spanish dictionary. I frowned. That was odd. Why did Dan have a Spanish dictionary? He didn't took Spanish at university and he never told me he was interested in learning it. I took the dictionary from the self and looked through the pages.

When I got to the letter 'S' my heart stopped beating for a moment. A small and thin blade was hidden between the pages. I took the blade between my thumb and forefinger and looked at it. Did he used this to hurt himself? I couldn't believe he would do something like that. How awful must university be for him to hurt himself?

**Dan's POV**

I survived another day. I didn't know how I did it, but that was something I wondered every day. I stumbled into the apartment and up the stairs to my room. Phil didn't even ask anymore where I was going. He was used to me going to my room, ignoring him. Maybe he even didn't...

What the fuck happened here?

I stared around my room. It was a mess. The content of my drawers was spread out on the floor. My wardrobe was empty. All of my clothes were laying on the floor next to my mattress that was flung off my bed. I noticed my diary in the pile of clothes. It lay open on a page and I recognised yesterday's date. Oh, shit no... I quickly jumped over the mess on my floor and stood in front of the bookshelf. The dictionary was gone. Where was it? I looked underneath the mattress, the clothes and even underneath my bed. I didn't find it.

Where the fuck was it?

'Looking for this?'

I stumbled back on my feet and saw Phil leaning against my doorframe, holding the blade in his hand. He found it. He found my blade. I looked up at him. I didn't try to get it back. I just stood still in the middle of my room, doing nothing.

'Where do you do it, Dan? Where do you cut yourself?'

Phil stormed towards me. He grabbed my arm.

'On your arms maybe?'

He let go of my arms and started to pull up my shirt.

'Your stomach?'

'Phil, please...' I tried but he didn't listen.

He kept inspecting my body, looking for the cuts.

'What about your neck?'

He grabbed my neck with both of his hands, forcing me down so he could take a look. I tried to get loose, but he was way too strong. He was scaring me. Phil was never like this. I knew him as the calm and relaxed guy, but this what I witnessed right now wasn't the Phil I knew.

'Phil, stop it!'

My screaming made him let me go. I quickly backed away from him until I hit the wall. I couldn't believe what he was doing to me. Why didn't he just asked me when he found out? Why did he had to attack me like this?

'Dan, I'm sorry. I...'

'Get out'

I wanted him out of this room. I needed to be alone. The feeling overwhelmed me yet again and I tried to control it. But I could feel the feeling grow stronger every second I looked at him. He needed to get out. I couldn't look at him anymore. He hurt me. He hurt my feelings and I needed to do something about the way I felt right now.

'Get the fuck out'

I pushed Phil out of the door and slammed it in his face. I fell down on my knees and slowly started to gather all of my things Phil threw on the floor. I let my tears go and let the feeling inside my body take over my mind. My hands ran though the pile of stuff on the floor. I had to have a spare blade somewhere. Come on, where was it? I knew I had one! I knew...I just knew...

I curled up in a ball in the corner of my room. I didn't had one. The blade Phil took with him was the only one I had. I couldn't cut myself. I couldn't make myself feel better and it was getting to me. I've never had before I couldn't control my feeling. When I felt like this I knew what to do to make it stop, but right now there was nothing I could do. Why did he have to find out? Why couldn't he just let me be the person I was and let me do the only thing in my life I was good at?

**Phil's POV**

What did I do? Oh my God, what in the world was I thinking? I shouldn't have reacted the way I did! I should have just talked to him, ask him what was wrong with him. But no, you stupid twat, you just decided to attack him, to make him feel unwanted. More than he probably already did. What kind of friend was I? He needed me more than ever and I decided to fuck things up because I couldn't control the anger that overtook me.

Yes, I was angry, but not at him. Why would I be angry with him? Sure, I didn't understand why he did such thing to himself, but I was pretty sure he had a good reason to do it. No, I was angry at the university he went to everyday. Something there made him feel the way he did and it bothered me more then ever I didn't know what it was. However I knew I needed to stop it. Just because he obviously couldn't.

My heart broke when I heard his soft sobbing a coming through the door he just slammed in my face. Even though I knew he didn't want to see me I slowly opened it again. I peeked around the corner to see Dan sitting curled up in a corner, his arms around his knees and his hands bald into fists.

'I told you to get out'

His cracky voice scared me. He was crying. I quickly stumbled to him, trying to avoid the mess on the floor I made earlier and sank down on my knees. I looked at his tearing eyes, the dark circles around them and the tired look on his face. I could tell he had enough of everything. Right that moment I realised I found out just on time before he could do anything worse to himself.

'I'm not going anywhere'

'I don't want to see you. Can you please leave me alone?'

'No. You need me, Dan. You need me more then ever'

He looked up at me. His bottom lip started to shiver and his shoulders tensed up. I could see the veins in his neck clearly now because he was holding his breath longer than needed. I could see him dug his nails into the palms of his hands. It broke me to see him like this. He looked so vulnerable. So freaking hurt. I sat down next to him and pulled him in a hug. His body stiffened. He hated it to be hugged or touched and I knew that, but I just wanted to hold him. He needed to know I was there for him. I almost kind of forced him to lean into me. His head rested on my chest, but he kept his arms around his own knees. He didn't hold me back. I was the one that was holding him, but I could feel he relaxed a bit.

'Nobody likes me, Phil. They all bully and humiliate me'

'Why didn't you tell me? I could have helped you'

'I tried, remember. But when I did all you told me was how awesome university was. You said it was the most amazing time of your life'. He went silent for a while. 'I just thought that if I waited long enough it would become amazing for me too'

But it didn't. Oh my God, how could I've been so selfish! I remembered the time he tried to tell me. He said he didn't like university and the other students around him. When he told me that I was a bit busy, so I didn't really pay attention to it. I just told him he had to enjoy his time there, because I had an amazing four years. I didn't lie when I said it was the most fun four years I've ever had. But it wasn't until now I realised not everybody was the same.

He let go of his knees and showed me the palm of his right hand. I took it in my hand and looked. Apart from the moon shaped prints his nails left when he dug them into it I saw a few cuts. When I looked closer I could see the scars. They fit perfectly with the already existing lines everybody had on their hands. So that's why I didn't notice. He knew how to hide them from me and everybody else around him.

'I want to stop, Phil, but I don't know how'

'Let me help you'

'There is nothing you can do'

Why did he say that? I obviously understood his thoughts. He thought there wasn't a way out of all this - at least not the right way - but it was my duty to convince him he could stop this. Not on his own, but with my help of course. I grabbed his shoulders with my hands and forced him to sit up so I could look him in the eyes.

'Don't say that. We are going to make this better. We! Not just you, we. I'm here for you, Dan. Please remember that'

He nodded and all of a sudden I felt his arms around my neck. He buried his head into the creek of my neck and I could hear him sigh. I was a bit overwhelmed as this was the first time ever he hugged me. I reacted immediately by putting my arms around his waist. It felt good holding him like this, knowing he trusted me. His body leaning into mine, his arms around my neck and his head on my shoulder. It was almost like I could feel his sadness exploding through my own body. It was a horrible feeling and I even felt more awful realising he felt like this every single day.

Beside the sad feeling I also had a relieved knob in my stomach. We were going to solve this. I was going to help him get rid of his daily feelings that infected his life so much.

'Always remember that I'm here for you. You're my best friend' I whispered into his ear, brushing my hand through his hair.

'Thank you, Phil. You really have no idea how much this means to me'

Even though I didn't say it I totally did understand. He didn't know I coped with the same feelings years ago before I met him. The scars on the inside of my tights were the evidence of the little voices I had in my mind when I was younger. They told me I needed to do things to myself I really didn't want to do, but they forced me into it. In those few years I hurt so many people with the things I did that I actually thought at some point it would be better if I didn't exist anymore. That was what the voice in my head told me. I was just about to give in when I received a notification on my phone. It was Dan's first message to me that saved me that day. I then knew I could be stronger than the voice. I knew I could get the control on my own mind back. I eventually got completely rid off the voices when I went to a rehabilitation centre. Now I was a happy, voice free human being with an amazing best friend and an awesome life to live. I wanted him to feel like that as well. He deserved to be happy.

I wasn't planning on telling him this now. He first needed to deal with his own feelings before I could tell him my story. I knew it was going to be too overwhelming for him. Maybe later, when he was living the life he wanted to live, I would tell.

But until now I wasn't sure if I ever wanted him to know my story.


End file.
